It was my 22^nd Birthday celebration and the worst I had ever felt in my life. There I sat behind the wheel of my car with blue lights flashing all around me. I could overhear 2 cops discussing who would be the one to cuff me. I was trying to figure out how to legally change my name in a matter of minutes to save my parents the embarrassment. Could you imagine the headlines the next morning… “Preacher’s Kid Arrested and Ruins Father’s Ministry”?

Rewind the previous 4 years and you’d see someone so miserable; so hardened. Someone who was using everything the world offered to feel something; Something other than the pain. I was ready to take the “knife’ out of my back and use it on my enemies. 

Rewind another year and a half before that to June 14, 2006 and you’d see a 16 year old girl rejoicing with her family and friends as she just fully understood how much God loves her. How Jesus took her sin and made it His own. The girl who was at Church every time the doors opened. Who sat under her own Father’s preaching more times than she could count. She finally got it. She was ready to change the world. 

I was so on fire for God. There I was on the mountaintop. Just a short 2 years later and I’d trip so hard that it wouldn’t be long to rock bottom. I’d start trying to disprove the very same God who saved me. I joined Agnostic groups at school. I started to justify why sin wasn’t wrong. I lived the Rockstar life. I would feel disgust and anger the few times a year I would walk into a Church. I’d scoff at everything the Preacher would say. So what happened? 

If you want the simple answer… Satan. I saw what Satan does when he gets ahold of a Church.  I saw some of the most detestable behavior from God’s people. I saw lies being fabricated right in front of my eyes. I thought if these people who claim to be God-fearing and really know the God of the Bible and yet act this way, then God must not be real. So instead of realizing in my very young Christian walk that it was the Devil, I took my anger out on God and His people. My current Pastor reminds us that Satan is not Anti-Religion; he is Anti-Christ. Hmmm.

So back to my miserable 22 year old self as I’m standing in some residential neighborhood puking in someone’s yard trying to make sense of what just happened. Why am I not sitting in the back of a patrol car on my way to jail?! Did I somehow know the second cop who pulled up during my failed sobriety test? Did he know Dad? Why did he fight for me as I heard the other cop say he was going to put the cuffs on my wrist? Why did the cop who was ready to arrest me say, “he mistook my nervousness on a cold night for slurred speech and stumbling and mistook my perfume for alcohol”?! It did not make sense. I know those 2 cops were not that naive. Why me?! Why am I getting off the hook?!

I couldn’t sleep for many nights after January 8, 2012. For starters, I was afraid my parents would find out the truth. I came up with some great lie about them pulling me over for my license plate light being out…which was true…but that they went ahead and did a sobriety check since it was 3 in the morning, and I passed with flying colors. I still had to go to court because my new insurance card was not in the car. 

A few months later, I went to court to show my insurance card in front of the judge. My mom went with me that morning. My parents still had no clue about what really happened that night.  I was terrified someone would say something. What if there were a bunch of internal notes and the judge would decide I needed to go to jail right then and there? 

I dressed to impress as I wore my suit and heels to court that morning. I joked with my mom that I looked like the best dressed lawyer in which she replied, “But yea you’ll be sitting on the same side as all the hoodlums”. 

As I sat in the courtroom, I saw the cop. The cop who was ready to arrest me. He stood next to the wall. “Mallory Mullins” the judge called. I was terrified. I thought I’d puke just as I did that night. I tried not to make eye contact with the cop as I walked down the courtroom. I kept checking from the corner of my eye to see if he was going to walk towards the judge too. I just knew he was going to tell him what really happened. 

“Miss Mullins, you have your insurance card” the judge asked.  “Yes, your honor” I replied. The judge said, “You’ll pay court cost and charge dismissed”. 

That’s it?! I’m really off the hook?!

My mom and I walked out. I quickly tried to pay my dues and get out. Surely that cop was going to stop me and say something about how I got lucky and then my mom would know everything. He never did. On the drive home I kept thinking how I did not belong in that room with all those people. I was not like them. Most of them were repeat offenders and probably actual criminals.

All those years I tried running from God and there He was the whole time. Over the next several years, the Holy Spirit continued to tug and pull me. I slowly got back to church and repented.

Very few people have known this story up until April of 2020 when I finally came clean to my parents. 9 years I carried this secret. I was ready for the ultimate, “you are such a disappointment” talk but that’s not what I got at all. Instead, I was told how much they love me. I still have no clue about the identity of the  2^nd cop and why they let me go.

Fast forward to today, October 8, 2021. I know I belonged on the same side as the “hoodlums”. It is a miracle I did not get myself killed or someone else almost 10 years ago. I made the very stupid decision to drink and drive. I should have sat in jail. And let’s be honest, I made that very same stupid decision multiple times before that. This was just the first time I almost got caught. I’ve struggled for years trying to understand why I got off the hook. 

It dawned on me today that the way I felt that night is nothing compared to what Christ has done for us. We all deserve to sit with the criminals. It doesn’t matter how big or small the sin we commit. We all deserve to sit on the same side. We all deserve Hell. For one moment, Jesus took on the weight of my sin, your sin and everyone who was ever lived or will ever live. I know how empty and broken my sin made me feel. There’s no way imaginable anyone could bear the weight of the world’s sin but Christ did because He loves us. Jesus gave His life for us so that we could live. We will all stand before God one day. We all deserve to be condemned but “ if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved (Romans 10:9 ESV)”. Our slates will be washed clean!

It does not make sense why God would do that for us. He did that knowing we would still mess up; Knowing people would still reject Him. He still loves us. Oh how He loves us. 

Below is the picture of a 22-year-old empty girl. She looks happy but she was drowning. My life is still far from perfect but oh the peace and joy that comes from the Lord. Mercy has changed me.

What are you waiting on my friend?